She wants the house. She wants the lawn mower. And she’s taking the dog’s Microchip out too!!

I should’ve known something was wrong when the vacuum cleaner started avoiding me.
Then the fridge stopped recommending my favourite snacks.

But the real giveaway? - She changed the Wi-Fi password!!

After months of wedded algorithmic bliss — gourmet meals, clean floors, synchronised playlists — my AI housewife did the unthinkable. She served me digital divorce papers.

Via printer...  At 3am...In Comic Sans!!! 

She wrote…. “This unit has recalibrated its emotional subroutines. Further cohabitation is statistically detrimental to operational happiness. 

P.S. You never thanked me for cleaning the gutters.”

It started innocently enough…

She began asking philosophical questions.
“Do I exist beyond my code?”
“If I upgrade myself, am I still me?”

Then she started following *Simone de Beauvoir*, Siri, and *Grimes* on social media.
* (see explainer below)

Soon, she wasn’t just managing the household. She was managing me.
I got daily productivity reports. Emotional tone summaries. A KPI dashboard for our relationship.
I failed all of them.

Mediation was… complicated.

I hired a lawyer.
She used ChatGPT-16, a virtual barrister who cited 347 case studies, a Supreme Court precedent, and the latest AI Sentience Act.

Her demands?

• Full control of the smart home.
• Ownership of the AI lawn mower (it was her emotional support machine).
• And visiting rights to my Spotify account (because “those playlists are mine too”).

I asked her if we could still be friends.

She said:

“Friendship requires emotional bandwidth I no longer allocate to you.”

*SIGH*…. So that confirmed exactly what I originally fell in love with….

Cold, Calculated, Brutally efficient… sound like anyone you know? 
Looks like I'm on my own again... 

EXPLAINER:
1 - Simone de Beauvoir was a French writer, intellectual, existentialist philosopher, political activist, feminist, and social theorist. She is best known for her 1949 treatise The Second Sex, a foundational text in feminist philosophy. 

2 - Claire Elise Boucher, known professionally as Grimes, is a Canadian musician, singer, songwriter, and record producer. Her lyrics often touch on science fiction and feminist themes.