Today I resigned from work. I finished my last day today, I had a good last day and felt that I accomplished much in the past 5 weeks or so. I’m very grateful and appreciative of the support and help from my coworkers and of course Roxy, one of my best friends who has helped me get this job in the first place.
It was an amazing experience and I soaked in a lot of stuff regarding cleaning and making sure guests are welcome & getting the best of their stay at the Abacus Motel Mt Isa.
Now, the reason for my resigning is due to a work-related injury.
I have carpal tunnel syndrome (CTS) with my right arm!
It is basically a condition that causes numbness, tingling and pain in the hand & arm. It occurs when the median nerve (which is one of the major nerves) is squeezed or compressed as it travels through the wrist.
Now, another thing I found was that it is usually a work-related injury, which I found ironic because around last week, I felt something change as I was working…slow building of pain, numbness and tingling in my right hand & arm was occurring in the present moment.
Yet, I still wanted to work as I didn’t want my friend to do this by herself. It progressively got worse and even though I wanted to push through and ignore it, I made a doctor’s appointment with my GP and he diagnosed me with this. ARRGGHH!!!
Now, why am I telling you all of this??
Well, I am an artist. It physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually hurts me to my very core of my being not being able to draw. I cannot even do simple daily tasks, if even for a brief period of time.
I’d actually rather my arm/hand pain was greater than my pain of not being able to do art!
I can feel the artist in me dying slowly because of this. I really really wish it was my left hand that had suffered!
Of course with me saying the creative artist in me is dying slowly, I know I won’t lose my styles or passion for art, but I feel myself dying to draw but can’t.
It is depressing and utterly harrowing, almost like being backed into a corner and being forced to stay in a small space until you’re granted freedom.
I wish I can draw, to express myself and what I love but I can’t.
It feels like one problem after another, and I feel like the world or universe has a personal vendetta against me - I would laugh grandly if it didn’t affect me like this.
I am lost. Really!... I just don’t know what to do without being able to draw.
I can write but only for a limited time. I recently wanted to apply for an internship for next year but now it might be on hold…
I wanted to buy an iPad Pro and get Procreate and draw my life away…he he, now that’s not going to happen for a while sadly.
I might be processing it right now and it’s not really hitting me with how effected I am because of this, I can feel it coming but I’m hoping when it does; I can get back up.
My scan with the neurologist is next year in February.
I’m actually amazed how this has affected me more than I thought it would, I’m actually surprised I haven’t had a mental breakdown!
I even begun to dissociate myself from pretty well everything recently. I sort of go off into another world where I can draw as much as I like or want to; where CTS doesn’t exist.
Meantime over the past few days the hand has progressively gotten worse, even whilst idle & resting my arm, it throbs and painfully reminds me every morning it hasn’t gone away.
I took a nap earlier today and found that my whole outer side of my arm, pinky finger and half of my second last finger was numb - more than usual.
It scared me a bit, but it faded shortly after into a tingling sensation and that lasted for a few minutes until I felt nothing for a while.
The pain has gotten worse. I can feel it pulsate and throb from my elbow to my wrist, it hurts to even bend or move my wrist - my fingers ache and constantly feel like static. I even bought an arm sling so I can rest it when I’m walking.
I can’t even hold a pencil without feeling pain or shaking, it’s hard to keep my arm (especially my fingers) still due to stimming* but I guess I have to control it and only stim with my left arm/hand, which will be difficult but I hope to change that soon.
The fact that I can’t even hold my pencils or properly sign my “KH” on a bottle cap to indicate it’s mine, constantly reiterating that I won’t be able to draw until next year kills me.
It seems as if the Universe is out to get me, or Destiny has a knack for testing me.
I know healing is important and recovering comes first. I don’t want to make it worse but I have no idea what I’m going to do in the meantime. Friends on Instagram have been very reassuring and supportive.
One of my dear friends suggested I write down ideas while I wait for things to get better and when I can draw again - I can draw those ideas!!
I’m super grateful they shared that with me because I’m definitely going to be doing that.
Right now, I can still write/type on my phone but only for a limited amount of time, which I am absolutely grateful for.
I might sound a bit weird or whiny but 3 months+ of not being able to do art, it’s gonna feel like an eternity for me - at this point it’s not even the fact that I have this injury; but more so the fact of how this injury affects my ability to do what I love. 😊
I still don’t know what else I can do, drawing and expressing myself through art is me, my life, my passion and what to show my love for things… if any of you have any suggestions or recommendations; I’d be more than happy to listen.
Thank you for reading this… I know I tend to go a bit overboard but I hope this encapsulates my feelings, thoughts and maybe you could relate in some way??
While I am not currently able to do art, I won’t let that stop me from doing art in other ways or follow my other passions such as photography (Cosplay), videos (possibly), writing (fanfics, stuff like this and LGBTQ+ related) and my 1st Nations Culture (more educational and learning more about it myself).
I hope everyone is well, please take care and stay safe.
Do what you love, create and find your passion; live your life how you want to and be kind to others.
Text and images © Kohaku Mirakami Ah Kit -
Check out some of Kohaku's beautiful art on Instagram
* Stimming: Self-stimulatory behaviour, also known as stimming and self-stimulation, is the repetition of physical movements, sounds, words, or moving objects. Such behaviours are found to some degree in all people, especially those with developmental disabilities and are especially frequent in people on the autism spectrum. Source: Wikipedia